Given the latest polls, it has become clear to me that the key to success in America is to lie as fast and as much as you can, because even if someone calls you out on some of them, you can probably just keep lying and nobody will really pay attention. So in the spirit of John "I really don't want to talk about my war record" McCain or Sarah "I told them I didn't want their bridge money" Palin, here's a list of a few of my accomplishments I thought you all might want to know about:
1. Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston both offered to leave Brad Pitt so that they could have a three-way with me, but I told them no, I felt they owed that poor guy another shot.
2. Not only did I buy a comic book store recently, I also bought the entire state of New Mexico. I'm planning on mostly using it as a place for my old exercise equipment and my vintage comics collection, which has 700 mint copies of Action Comics #1 in it.
3. I am gifted with the power of flight, but I drive my car to work instead because I don't like to show off.
4. The assassinations of Lincoln, Kennedy and Archduke Ferdinand? Same guy. Me. I just thought it'd be funny.
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